What Next?

And what next is to happen?
After all of the hope has left thee
And all of thy dreams have died?
Is this the way it is to be?
Just flesh and bone with nothing inside?
What next?

I know the days bring thee no relief
And nights shed their blackness of pain;
The sun gives thee no soothing joy;
The moon is but distant in her reign
And all time does is destroy –

Wrecks, pillages, murders and rapes
Thy heart that once used to sing,
Thy soul that could leap so high,
Thy song that was a living thing,
Thy eye that knew not why to cry…

But what next can possibly happen?
For hurt is what is left of thy heart.
Thy tongue has no words to say.
Thy song ends where the tears start,
For hurt is all that’s left of thy heart.
So –

What next?

It Knows.

I heard something – probably my heart again.
For a thing that is busy all the time
Fostering emotions and fighting pain
It sure has the time to think about mine.

I hear it all the time – like its beating,
I feel that all the time. So I wait,
Place my hand over it and think of cheating
By saying, “Not faith, I tell you, it’s fate!”

No, it can’t be hoodwinked. It doesn’t slow.
And I sigh. It is faith. I know it . . . do I?
My mind smiles – just to show
That nothing is mine – not even that sigh.

My heart beats faster. I remove my hand.
I look at the carnations – red.
They are all around me. One fact I understand.
After a matter of hours they will be dead.

Their fate?
My heart slows.
“And yours,” says my mind,
“It knows.”

Times Like These.

There are times when I think of your eyes
And think of two suns, shining down on me;
When, in my repertoire of feeling, flies
A thought of your smile saving sanity.
There are times when you fill up all space
And all I know is my hope resting in you,
When in my heart you gain the best place,
While everything in my life seems untrue.

There are times when I ache to hear goodbyes
From friendship, honour, (at times, even hope),
Then the present shows me your smile, your eyes
And with thoughts of you my heart learns to cope.
So when life has me on my knees begging please,
I’ll be grateful to have known times like these.

October 28.
5am.

Loveship.

Guarantees I sought and failed to get here,
Love came thrice and made a fool out of me
With its rules. Adhere or not to adhere?
A question which could wreck my sanity.
The wise have written much about one’s friends.
Compared them to lovers and made them win.
No! For one begins where the former ends
And both fill the heart with passionate sin.
So, my heart, where to go? To whom to turn?
There is no point in thought or in tears
Searching will lead but to the path of return
And, oh, the waste of my precious years!
We need both though to breathe and survive here,
So use and abuse and make none too dear.

23 January
3am

Friends and Lovers.

Friends and Lovers.

You asked me, some days back, why friends are all to me,
For, you say, I neglect you and think of them constantly.
When I’m with them, I give them the leisure of my smile,
But you are part of my frowns and tears all the while.
I write this on a rainy night, for you caused me hurt,
And impregnated my eye which has just given birth.
You misunderstood my heart and raved some days before,
Though I thought you – of all men – knew my heart to its core.
I feel that I thought wrong and you, a contradiction.
And now let us just dissect fact from fiction.

My smiles are not all heartfelt smiles with all of my friends;
For they neither know where my love starts nor where it ends.
But you, you do. (Or I thought you did.) They can – do not.
And intense emotions do not fall in friendship’s lot.
(Unless, of course, love plays its tumultuous role in it.)
And that is the space of difference you need to hit.
The rain has stopped outside briefly and our dog wants out:
I walked her and glared at the surrounding muck and doubt …
I have let you see the side of me only few see;
But you wish to be blind to this part of me.

Since you wish more smiles, you rate yourself to be a friend
Nothing more. So decide true, as lovers then we end?
Now, for example, take the pentacled box you bought me,
‘Twas a gift needed! Joy untold! Such felicity!
Mother asked for it since I have not put it to use,
But memory of your love, I could never abuse.
So it remains, filled with smiles (unused) still on my shelf,
Until I find a better use for it by myself.
You think (yes, yes, you do!) I look to friends more than you;
But, my silly dear, pigs will fly, if that is true.

When I first fell in love, I thought silly things,
I thought all love is the same song that life sings.
With years, I thought I learnt a different song.
Today, I know on both counts, I was wrong.
The silly band has changed, as has the sharp tune;
But the words sound the same to this bloody loon.
You talk of my friendly smiles and frowns in love,
But now let me speak of what I’m thinking of!
My box, your phone – love’s gifts – one to the other.
Though when it comes to your friend – oh, no bother!

Off goes my gift in his hand – just for a day, you say,
Oh? But there goes your argument, up the arsehole’s way!
I trade mere smiles in my friendship, mine to make and give!
I gift the love that I make myself – that’s how I live!
But you just traded my love for the sake of your friend!
I guess this is where my argument should end.

5th August.
3:30 a.m.

I Walked For Miles Tonight.

I walked for miles tonight; despair my goad;
From your doorstep to the signal lights of Link Road.
My feet moved on, with strength endless,
And time found made my mind confess.
Thoughts assailed me from hither and yon;
But, yes, as I walked on, I grew less forlorn.
From the time I left you, I searched for Hair;
But this need was overridden by despair.
As I rounded Mithibai, I looked up at a tree:
Streetlights lit its polished leaves in vanity,
Their bellies glowed golden like the setting sun,
For all their show, my gaze on them was the only one.
I was part angry, part dejected, because of you,
Though a few smaller factors were at work, too.
Betrayals I am well-versed with, for sure!
And regarding them, time, I know, is the best cure!
I passed Juhu Gali and saw a bitch and her puppy,
Felt love, hate, depair, frustration, felicity…

I want you to steal the fire from the sun;
Wish you to declare: for you I am the only one;
That you’ll be mine despite even Heaven above!
Lover, if words are not your scope then act!
Don’t play dumb when you dislike a lover’s act!
I part venture out at night to see
How far could I go before you stop me.
Hold my arms, bar my way!
If not implore, demand me stay!
Say my walking alone at night
Fills your heart with fright!
Don’t just offer money and say go back home,
Bring me back to make sure I don’t roam.
To me, that would speak of how much you care,
Ah! But your pride leads to my despair.

At Sony’s showroom, I looked up at the sky,
And, through the clouds, saw a plane pass by,
Thoughts of my sister, in a distant land, assailed,
Thoughts of spurning riches prevailed;
I did so, for I gave value to matters of the heart,
But you, too, saw different right from the start…
I do not doubt the measure of your love for me –
But pride and lack of action suits your vanity;
Then there are filial ties that bind you;
And I’m suffocated by my age, too.
Moments pass and I finally sit in a rickshaw,
I look at hair and get reminded of each flaw.
Then I return home to compose this verse:
Construct a marriage car fused with a hearse.
I have still no clue as to what’s wrong or right;
But know there’ll be more walks for me at night.

2nd September, 2004.
3:00 am

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