Eve

Carols croon soft in my ear this early morning,
Though as usual my heart does not wish to sing;
The noose of life has tightened and I need the knife,
Which I threw away to prevent preconceived strife.

How ironical that I should need that blade now!
My world and I are being swept in the thick flow
Of superficiality, progress and money –
A trapped, dying fly in a golden vat of honey!

So some friends threw me a rope to help me escape;
But it snagged on my neck and each pull felt like rape;
If I struggle a bit they think me ungrateful,
Though it is to my own self I’m being unfaithful!

I am caught either way and trust has long since died;
Old entreaties to God have also been denied;
So Jesus descends into the world on this day,
But I can’t hope, can’t sing, can’t rise, can’t sink, can’t pray.

8:45am
24th December

Bargain

Your tears seemed like your only gift to me;
My smiles were what I gave you in return:
This bargain, where I lose all vanity,
Was what old bleeding hearts made my soul learn.
Your festering wounds I helped in cleaning;
Though not yet healed, I helped them start to;
All I asked was the share from your feeling,
Which now has changed the better part of you.
Now you have learned to smile without me near;
I taught you well; I brought you to your feet;
Now you shed me like you did your last tear;
Now there’s no reason for our souls to meet.
My heart bleeds for my soul learns to see:
Your gift was bringing my own tears to me.

19th September
6:00pm

Friend

Your tears seemed like your only gift to me;
My smiles were what I gave you in return:
This bargain, where I lose all vanity,
Was what old bleeding hearts made my soul learn.
Your festering wounds I helped in cleaning;
Though not yet healed, I helped them start to;
All I asked was the share from your feeling,
Which now has changed the better part of you.
Now you have learned to smile without me near;
I taught you well; I brought you to your feet;
Now you shed me like you did your last tear;
Now there’s no reason for our souls to meet.
My heart bleeds for my soul learns to see:
Your gift was bringing my own tears to me.

Round and Round and Round and Round and Round and Round

Trapped –
Like a mouse in a cage –
Awaiting execution –
Rampant with frenzy and rage –
Distilling cognition –
Terrifying emotion –
All for that sordid piece of cheese –
That hasn’t filled the gut –
A part of me lies in the fork of the trap –
Where my neck should have been –
The tearing caused pain I’ve forgotten –
Surrendered to being …

Trapped –
Running round and round and round –
In this sharp mesh of steel –
Unheard cries in the dark –
The executioner shall call –
In the morning –
Death shall fall –
In the way it pleases –
But life is such –
That it still hangs strong –
Making me run with mangled body –
Round and round and round and round and round and round …

Trapped –
In the dark –
In this cage –
With hopes of escape –
To bleed to death –
In a hole –
A few feet away …

7:00 am
7th Sept

Zoe

Doe-eyed, you tumbled in my life,
With three spots on your pink nose;
You came to be quite the symbol
Of Hope, soon after Love’s repose.

Gangly, obedient, sensitive,
No endurance for pain,
You are the one I am closest to,
Who loves me for least personal gain.

The first who loves taking a bath,
The first who shuns food for play,
You sit beside me through waking hours,
At sleep, you keep the monsters away.

I want to protect you from life
And its inevitability;
If I could only make you know,
Of just what you bring
what you mean
what you are
to me.

(written 29th August, 5:30am)

Dream Hole

Here I am.
Once again awake
At daybreak.
The futility astounds me.
Life has succumbed to fate.
Dreams shattered
Many moons ago.
Bursting into nothingness.
Like a sun consumed
By itself.
All life and fire once.
Now a black hole
Sucking in any light
Into its yawning vortex.

Here I sit
When the dark threatens
To turn into light.
With my eyes wide
Like dead planets
To be annihilated.
If a new dream filters
I pay obeisance in fright,
Sacrificing it readily to those gone.
See it scream as it eddies,
Tearing through twilight,
Till it knows its being is futility,
And is consumed whole.
I can’t help wonder:

Is it better off than me?

(written 27th August – 6:30am)

Yesterday’s Dawn.

The dawn has broken on the body of the night.
Pigeons, herons and one eagle have taken flight,
They soar, flapping their wings towards places afar,
While the blue fills the sky and shuts off its last star.

Dark crows and small sparrows are the ones who speak now,
The waning moon has long since made his exiting bow,
They speak to one another, perhaps, greet the day,
And each upon each wishes to have his own say.

The vibrant sun has not made his entry quite yet;
And all is softly azure, on wing and dulcet;
Memory corresponds to dawns that were the same;
Today chances on remembering yesterday’s name.

7th May