i am ready

this last loss eats away at my insides
there is nothing to hold this fall
heart caves in like rolling tides
a whirlpool consumes it all

but it doesn’t end
every insidious particle of life
lover mother god friend
bring new oceans of strife

the dark is all that i can see now
love was an illusion of time
i hope beyond hope in this flow
but hope it seems was never mine

the paths of water rage and roar
and i try to stay afloat
somewhere i see eagles soar
while my ears hear waves gloat

the whirlpool again begins to swell
and i am caught again in its eddy
and death has forsaken this hell
though i scream i am ready i am ready

I Always Will

I miss you still,
I guess, I always will.
As the nights turn colder,
I see stars growing older.
In starlight, you shine alone,
I see tears, I hear a moan,
I see eyes, moist and brown,
Zoe, I put you down.
I stopped your pain.
Yes, I would do it again.
You know I loved you so,
So I had to let you go.
Death is easy for those who die,
The living struggle to get by.
So be free of God, life and me
I am afforded no such liberty.
Yes, I miss you still,
I know I always will.

It’s the memories

It’s the memories everywhere

That keep me in thrall – I stand and stare:

Here you used to lay your head on my feet,

There you would patiently wait for a treat,

Downstairs you would run to fetch your bone,

You never ever left me alone.

Oft I did. When I would leave without you

And I’d say I’ll be back in minutes two.

You cocked your head as I walked out the door;

But you have left me forevermore.

Who will sit by my side these long nights?

Who will I cuddle and hold so tight?

Who will take me on impromptu walks,

Or just sit with me when I don’t talk?

I love you, I did and I always will –

Of you my heart cannot have its fill.

I still will wake and miss you on my bed,

I still ache to hear your bark or your tread.

Little memories remind me of you.

Each is vividly permanent and true.

I stand and stare and then I quietly weep

And hope I meet you again if I sleep.

To Zoe

My favourite song for you runs through my mind,

Crying is a given now as I pack away your things,

Medicines by the dozen and your toys,

How much pleasure you had running after those sticks,

How you pulled bamboos twice your size to bring to me,

Every corner of my home reminds me of you,

I wish you would have lived longer in them without pain.

I cannot forget you, Zoe. You are my heart

And it breaks without you.

Crying and breaking is all I can do.

You would stay with me all the time if you could,

If I left the room you would get up and follow,

I taught and you stayed under the table there,

I was on the comp and you would sit and stare,

You wanted to sleep with us but the bed was small,

The floor got too slippery for you to stand,

I had to let you go I understand;

But now you left behind all this agony,

I can’t stop thinking of you, my love,

You made my day, my night, my noon,

Without God I can’t even hope to see you soon.

I wish dogs get a few of my life’s years

They are the ones who lick away tears.

Degenerative Myelopathy

Each day the light grows closer,
Each day the spinal chord slows her;
All I can do for this heart of mine
Is bargain with what I hope’s divine.
I cannot appease my cold fortune,
So I just drag my heart to its tune.
I drag her on the roads she knew well,
My heart bursts, but hey, who can tell?
I see how she wishes her body could play
And I rue to see her struggle this way.
I have given death three children in pain.
After her, how will I ever love again?
She brings light into my dark life –
She is my daughter, sibling, wife.
As the light shines in the distance I know,
I will have to someday let her go.
But my heart cannot agree
To what must be, must be.
I guess this is what prayer helps with,
But I have no trust left, not a bit.
She is my heart, my heart is she
And my heart is dying silently.

Those books, those films, those stories and those songs

Those books, those films, those stories and those songs

Convinced us how love in life belongs.

They made us sops look for it all over:

Hope to look for it in four leaf clovers.

They never mentioned what to do after –

When the tears slyly kill the laughter,

When the stars and moon blot out and die,

When we glean every one was a lie.

They never talk of love’s staying in lease,

Or of death, or of pain, or of disease;

They never mentioned how love loses faith,

How it doesn’t need another love to mate.

 

Maybe, I am to blame for I looked away,

From the books, films, songs that had this to say.

 

I realize now what love’s true nature is:

Unjust quotients of sadness and bliss,

A ruse to reproduce before you get forlorn,

With nothing to do once the kids are gone.

Of this I’m sure: after all the cheating,

Although love leaves, the heart keeps on beating.

A Wannabe Sonnet

Smiles have now replaced tears:

They do not come from joy,

But actualization of fears

In destiny’s employ.

I have no cause to trust anyone:

Not a jot of certainty or strength,

Within this heart or mind run,

Of any scope, or any length.

What certainty in principle I knew

Now bows to lessons from lies,

Love exists like it was never true

Tainted by a myriad sighs.

I wish I can still close my eyes and dream

Instead of smiles that hide the screams.