Saving

I couldn’t save myself,
I couldn’t even try,
When all suns turned dark
All the waters ran dry.

There were no bird songs,
Or angels on clouds;
Just a press of fury,
In sexual crowds.

I tried hard to dance
To help with the pain,
Of not fitting in,
Of braving the disdain.

I tried many things;
Each different from the past;
I tried saving each,
I tried to make them last.

But, you see, I am jaded,
And I know Hope as a liar,
I know the lampoons of Fate,
I know Ambition’s mire.

I can’t weep anymore:
Age has taken all my tears;
But I wish it had left me one
And taken instead my fears.

I know people are cruel,
For I am people, too,
And Gadgets have not helped,
After Nature laughed and withdrew.

I can’t save myself now,
It is too late to try
And why even bother, I ask,
When it all has to die?

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Faith

Faith moves mountains,
They say.

Faith moved me
To be a disbeliever.

Don’t get me wrong.
I wish I could kneel
And look up and say,
I know you have my back;
I could say,
Oh, you know best;
There will be something better,
That there is
A larger plan.

But my children died.
And all I asked was for less suffering.
A little lesser than the last.
Until with the last there was nothing left.

I asked when I believed.
Now I know the blankness.
And the silence.

I’ve seen religion and ritual
Twist me into softness:
Into believing there is law,
There will be justice.
But
There isn’t.
There is silence and sacrifice.

So I choose to turn away
From a fait accompli.

I’m uncertain.
That makes me stronger.
Less kinder.
But if I have given up on
Divinity
Being kind is an anticlimax.

Turn over and sleep.

For all the promises made,
And all declared vows to keep,
When need arises to prove –
Just turn over and sleep.

With all the blood that rushes
In to wounds that run so deep;
When hopeful chance comes to heal,
Just turn over and sleep.

As a heartache comes coursing,
Forcing one to lay and weep,
When gentlest words are needed –
Just turn over and sleep.

Maybe it is all karmic:
One sows in order to reap;
So, when harvest comes calling,
You must turn over and sleep.